It’s a very cold evening and the skies are grey but the rain won’t fall till nightfall,this has been the case for the past one week or so. I am sitted with a rocking chair with the TV as my back ground distraction. Tomorrow is Mashujaa Day/Heroes Day. It’s a good day I concur with my thoughts and begin to look at the people in my life I would call my heroes. I have a huge list and they have all been very instrumental in my life but my thoughts are redirected to a certain period in my life. Last year October I had been so broken,with so much bitterness that I knew no peace in my heart. I didn’t know whether the ache I felt at that time would ever heal but I also don’t think I wanted it to heal. The irony of life.
Self ignorance is something I had done for a very long time until one day I decided I wanted to be better for myself and it wasn’t an easy journey rediscovering myself. I dug deep in all the events and moments in my life which were characterized with self doubt, hatred,feeling unworthy and undeserving and a bunch of other not so good qualities. Reliving those feelings wasn’t a pleasant thing but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Unlearning false patterns that you have always thought as your truth is very important because those patterns exhaust you. I am not suppressing the feelings and emotions I had anymore, instead I am admitting to them therefore diminishing the threat they once held on me and hold they had in my life. There comes a freedom with accepting your emotions and feelings. It’s more like acknowledging the elephant in the room and waving at it so you don’t have to pretend it’s non existent.
My journey so far has seen me cut off some people from my life. Let me call them “Takers” because I allowed them to be and it wasn’t until I realized I was the one on the losing end in all this one-sided relationships. I have put all my energy into positive things and purposefully decided not to engage myself in talks or things that reduced my dignity something that had come to a null edge before my decision to start over. I am more at peace,I have learnt to be happy with myself and by myself and to accept my emotions without allowing them to control me.
My message is this…Allow yourself to start again, Be your First True Friend,you will not always make the right decisions and some will have serious consequences but with all this forgive yourself. Love and magnify your strengths, every time you make it stand up and clap for yourself because most people will only point fingers at your dark sides. Once you accept yourself and remain positive they will have nothing to point fingers at and laugh and even they do you will be okay!
So today I am my own hero,I have done an incredible job at being a better version of myself, I am not where I want to be but the progress is outstanding! I challenge you to go look deep within yourself at the grease stained parts you hid and try and make them better
Yours Trully,
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